Health over money

So, when i test because I'm feeling weird, am I happy because it's actually a good number, or am I sad because I wasted a test?

End of luck

I've had a horrible time with my diabetes since i got home. My numbers are all over the place. Been crying a lot.

I've been testing my aunt who is obviously a type 2 and i've surprised myself with kind, optimistic messages towards her. Like, "It's not that hard"; "It's gonna be ok" or, my favourite "All you'll need is some pills and a diet". She doesn't want to go to the doctor, though. It seems pointless.

When i first got my diagnosis, actually even before, when i only had a hunch, i was searching the internet trying to find out everything i could about this disease. And it surprised me, how everybody would talk about the disease sort of...gloved. Bear with me, english is only my second language. What i mean is that diabetes was like an eggshell and people were extra-delicate not to break it while they were talking about it. The newly-diagnosed were treated with kindness and optimism. It's not that hard, you'll manage it because you'll have to; you'll be able to give up sweets because your health will be more important to you; if you treat your diabetes right it will treat you fine as well yadda-yadda-yadda.

Try diabetes, tehy said. It will be kind, and easy, like a feather's caress, they said.

Well i've tried it and it's bloody hard, i'll tell you that. So i thought all these kind words were taught, psychologically recommended because, you know, we already have so much to deal with that we wouldn't want to add depression to it (it adds itself though, as i've observed). But no, this kindness and optimism actually come naturally, it's like a second skin. They should say it, when you get diabetes, you get a glucometer, insulin&a pen, the ocasional t-shirt aaaand compassion to your fellow travelers, be them type 1's or type 2's or even type awesome's.

Traveling to darker sands, it wasn't all marshmallows and unicorns.

Everyday i was faced with people's lack of knowledge about this disease. I was out and about with a friend and i noticed a machine that served coffee with sweetener. I was flabergasted because i love spending money on useless liquid while i'm out, just because i can sip something and feel normal again. Like i was, 3 months before, when i wasn't yet diagnosed. Boy, that's such a tiny amount of time. Moving on. I was telling the clerk to make sure she gets me the kind with the sweetener, not the one with sugar and i have this friend telling me:

"Relax!It's just a tiny bit of sugar, why are you acting like a freak?" following with a "But you're allowed to drink coffee?"

Yes, yes i am.

"Are you sure?"

.........(gunshot to the head, such a pity, she was so young and promising)

Anyways, trying to inform people about diabetes is very hard, mostly because they are running from information like from a plague. They really don't want to know. Not even my so-called friends. Not even the smart people. Not even my mother. Not even my diabetic aunt. They don't want to know, they don't care.

More measures and some technology (not diabetes-related technology; wait. did i just discover something that's NOT related to diabetes? yaaaaaaay))

So i got home today, as in my parent's house. That's never fun.

The first sign was that all my technology broke down: phone, laptop, i'm sure that even my camera is out of batteries. Actually, the first thing that warned me was the 174 on my meter. That just made me cry.

I'm following a trend (it's not the fun kind). I keep getting high numbers before dinner, actually anywhere between lunch and dinner and i can't understand why.

I eat the same things like at breakfast or dinner but it's always the lunch that messes with my numbers. Every time that i see that number i feel the complications forming. I'm just sad and tired and this happens right before my quarterly appointment with the doctor. I feel guilty and stupid.

I dreaded this appointment because i didn't know what to expect. I was scared i'll be evaluated in such short notice. I've been diagnosed with this only 3 months ago. I haven't learned much yet...

Well, the appointment itself went pretty good. It seems that i don't look like at Auschwitz anymore. I actually got praised for the decisions made in this three months.

The actual test is the HbA1c, and i'll get the results tomorrow.

Phew, i'm already taking deep breaths.

First appointment, first Hba1c (after diabetes management), first Easter with this disease, i've barely had my first Christmas with it. Lots of firsts in a very short period of time.

Measures of life

I begin my day measuring myself.

First, the blood sugar.

Then, the pounds.

After that, i measure everything that gets on my plate on a scale, to see how many carbs will make my breakfast.

The next logical step is to transform those carbs through a ratio in insulin units.

I wish it'd be enough. But that's just the beginning of the day. Just the beginning of a long trip because starting with the hour of my breakfast, i start measuring minutes. 60 minutes for the first postprandial number of the day. 180 minutes for a snack. Gotta pass at least 2 hours until i eat again. And so on and so forth.

My everyday is made out of numbers and sometimes that's all i see in the back of my eyes. I check the carbs on every wrap just for fun. Like, if a friend eats a bar i just check to see the carbs in it, just out of curiosity or maybe just for the database that i'm starting in my head.

I know i'm gonna get tired one of these days. But what scares me is the evaluation that comes with these measurings.

I test myself a lot of times every day. Not just for the bs, but everything is a test. And i'm currently feeling guilty for everything, the pounds that my scale is showing, the amount of carbs i eat, the numbers that don't always cooperate. It's the guilt that i'm tired of, and i just wonder why exactly do i feel like that? Nobody's judging me yet. I'm being so harsh on myself, i learned this behavior so quickly that it's frightening. I've read a lot of posts from the DOC, i know how the guilt is intertwined with diabetes. But i'm only three months fresh in this.

Why did i learn it so fast?