More measures and some technology (not diabetes-related technology; wait. did i just discover something that's NOT related to diabetes? yaaaaaaay))

So i got home today, as in my parent's house. That's never fun.

The first sign was that all my technology broke down: phone, laptop, i'm sure that even my camera is out of batteries. Actually, the first thing that warned me was the 174 on my meter. That just made me cry.

I'm following a trend (it's not the fun kind). I keep getting high numbers before dinner, actually anywhere between lunch and dinner and i can't understand why.

I eat the same things like at breakfast or dinner but it's always the lunch that messes with my numbers. Every time that i see that number i feel the complications forming. I'm just sad and tired and this happens right before my quarterly appointment with the doctor. I feel guilty and stupid.

I dreaded this appointment because i didn't know what to expect. I was scared i'll be evaluated in such short notice. I've been diagnosed with this only 3 months ago. I haven't learned much yet...

Well, the appointment itself went pretty good. It seems that i don't look like at Auschwitz anymore. I actually got praised for the decisions made in this three months.

The actual test is the HbA1c, and i'll get the results tomorrow.

Phew, i'm already taking deep breaths.

First appointment, first Hba1c (after diabetes management), first Easter with this disease, i've barely had my first Christmas with it. Lots of firsts in a very short period of time.

Measures of life

I begin my day measuring myself.

First, the blood sugar.

Then, the pounds.

After that, i measure everything that gets on my plate on a scale, to see how many carbs will make my breakfast.

The next logical step is to transform those carbs through a ratio in insulin units.

I wish it'd be enough. But that's just the beginning of the day. Just the beginning of a long trip because starting with the hour of my breakfast, i start measuring minutes. 60 minutes for the first postprandial number of the day. 180 minutes for a snack. Gotta pass at least 2 hours until i eat again. And so on and so forth.

My everyday is made out of numbers and sometimes that's all i see in the back of my eyes. I check the carbs on every wrap just for fun. Like, if a friend eats a bar i just check to see the carbs in it, just out of curiosity or maybe just for the database that i'm starting in my head.

I know i'm gonna get tired one of these days. But what scares me is the evaluation that comes with these measurings.

I test myself a lot of times every day. Not just for the bs, but everything is a test. And i'm currently feeling guilty for everything, the pounds that my scale is showing, the amount of carbs i eat, the numbers that don't always cooperate. It's the guilt that i'm tired of, and i just wonder why exactly do i feel like that? Nobody's judging me yet. I'm being so harsh on myself, i learned this behavior so quickly that it's frightening. I've read a lot of posts from the DOC, i know how the guilt is intertwined with diabetes. But i'm only three months fresh in this.

Why did i learn it so fast?

First report

Well, i'm gonna get my first grade in a short while. Ofcourse, i actually already got a first A1c that i know will blow my mind in time (that pesky 14.7 that came with my diagnosis), but i decided it doesn't count :)

I realised i'm scared of this because i postponed my quarterly meeting with the endocrinologist. I got cold feet. I was curious, anxious to find out how good my control was for these first months, but when the time came i graciously rationalised that i must wait for another week, it's no rush, the doctor will be there next week too blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so new to this but i already developped old bad habits.

Ofcourse, the fact that i've lived in a cocoon of unconciousness won't help with my A1c. Like, i was under the impression that my bg is just planking all day long. If i'm 87 and cover the carbs i'm eating with insulin, it just won't go over that number. It won't change. That's what the doctor said: if you take the appropriate amount of insulin you'll have bs like a normal person. Well, let me just tell you that when i first took a 1h-after-meal test and it showed 199, i was ready to go to the hospital to admit myself for DKA prevention.

Ahaha, ahahahaha, ahahahahahahaha.

I've seen quite some over-200 numbers since then and handled them more graciously, until i got the hang of it. I'm slowly (and i really couldn't stress more on the word slowly) learning about this condition but i do feel like a badass when i get it right. Too bad i can't brag about it, because it would mean a lot of explanation.

I wanted to start this blog as a way of analizing my feelings with this diagnosis, but i can't write about emotion-related things cause things would get too emotional. I am in such a dark place that i would even feel responsible for the innocent souls that my black words would touch.

I wonder if this...depressive state is common at diagnosis and if so, does it get better? I don't see a time when i'll feel better. I know i need to talk about this with someone, someone that understands, but there isn't anybody that i could force this informations upon. I don't want to burden my friends. There are the ones that just wouldn't understand and think that i'm a whiner, and there are the ones that would hurt so much for my pain but still wouldn't be able to help me in any way. So, i prefer to tourment only myself. And this blog.