Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I hereby reclaim my independence
One of the things that bothered me after the diagnosis was my eagerness to please the endo with good numbers, to be the best person with diabetes etc. This has been a recurrent problem of mine, pleasing people even at my own expense. That lead me to believe that a good A1c (which I achieved, in the beginning, by waking up with a number of 60ish and being fine with that because it gave me a better mean and, hence, a better A1c, being that I was 60ish all night long). I felt happy mentally because I got this "good grade". I felt awful, physically because, well, I was basically low all night long and I couldn't sleep properly.
I had nightmares all the time, and if my desire to be a horror-story writer had been active at the time, boy I would've had the right material!
Now I'm dealing with reminiscences of this people-pleaser persona due to the fact that I have a meeting with my doctor tomorrow and my numbers have been awful lately (she would only look at this disastruous recent numbers).
For days I've tried to come up with arguments in my mind, arguing that I might have been a little sick, I was too busy to pay attention, food has declared war to me etc.
Which got me thinking that, again, I'm not worrying about these bad numbers. I'm just worried of how they make me look, like a bad student that didn't do his homework.
I'm not worried about the complications that I might be facing with these high and all over the place numbers, I'm just worried of being labeled as a bad diabetic.
And it hurts to be robbed of independence, to feel the need of explaining your decisions every three months. Sometimes we just get tired!
Sometimes food does declare war on us (Same food at dinner two nights in a row, same carbs, insulin, awaiting time, but a 2h test of 113 in the first night and 237 in the second; and I was eating beans. I didn't even know that beans could do that to me!).
Sometimes we just forget that the only judges of our diabetes behavior can only be ourselves.
So tomorrow I'm gonna march in that office without any excuses or explanations prepared. What I'm gonna do, instead, is work towards better numbers that would make me feel proud or guilty, and not necessarily the endocrinologist.
Note: I had to draw my own picture because Google couldn't find another image with a bad PWD. There's only me out there! And yes, stripes are back in.