Saturday, February 4, 2012

Control. We've got it.

I was diagnosed on december 28. I guess my Holidays will never be the same, unless they change the date of Christmas. Or New Year's Eve. Cause i was released from the hospital on New Year's Eve, to be able to have all that fun. I've got pictures from that night: it ain't pretty, and it ain't fun.

But that's not what i wanted to talk about. I wanted to write about control.

I was given so little of it, throughout my life. Up until I was about seventeen, THEY took all the decisions for me. I had to raise their children, watch their boyfriends come and go, reassure their confidence and weep their sorrow destiny. All of these while i was planning my own escape: going to college. Yes, going to college was gonna be my way of running away from home, my way of facing the future on my own.

And after two years of this, i must say i'm pretty good at being on my own. So there i was, on a good period of my life. Everything was being taken care of, i was trying to get every part of my life (college, boyfriend, my weight) at a perfect pace, and then it hit me: type 1 diabetes. Insulinodependend. Incurable.

I don't know how many of you do this (and you really should) but i used to wake up and linger a moment in my bed, wondering: what bad could this day bring? What can go wrong today?

And let me tell you that never, absolutely never has type 1 diabetes been amongst these "wrongs". So I didn't jinx it on myself. And trust me, i've tried all kinds of wrongs like being hit by a car, getting cancer, having my cat die. But not diabetes, no way.

So when i got the diagnosis i felt a little unnerved, i mean i give you all these diseases that i played with in my mind (and i'm talking to you, God) and you give me plain-old, garden-variety, diabetes?

This won't even get me pitied for. I mean, let's take a look at how my close friends and relatives reacted:

Sister: "Omg if it's genetic i have to make some tests too".

Mother: "I'm sorry you ruined your life and you won't even live to your forties like me.

You know, i've been feeling the need to drink a lot of water lately, maybe you should test me one of these days too."

Friend :"So. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo done".

Roommate1 :"So, is your boyfriend still gonna marry you now?"

Roommate 2 :"Omg i told you, i cant believe i knew, i told you that you must have diabetes, i can't believe i got it right, i must be some kind of House!"

Belovedhighschoolteacher: "It doesn't surprise me. I always thought you had to pay for your genius with something. I'm glad it's not something worse".

Mybrother'sfather:"I can't believe this happened to you. And i used to hope you'll take care of your brother when he'll be bigger. It's like they say in the Bible, you have to pay for your mother's sins".

See? No pity there.

But! This helped me realise who are my true friends (the ones that aren't on that list, obviously). And it got me thinking about all the bad shit that life has served me on a silver plate (hey, i had to cry myself to sleep every night in that hospital and after a while the diabetes thing just didn't make me cry hard enough so i had to switch on tougher shit).

And we get to our earlier point, the control.

I thought my existence was a joke. Right when i was starting to gain some control to my life, i have to be artificially maintained to it. I have to sting myself twice before eating anything (and by anything i mean the diabetes-friendly food, not the huge doughnuts filled with nuttella that i dream of). There are a lot of bad sides that come with it, and i'm too tired to think about them now. Cause i realised that almost everything in life can be controlled. And be aware, this is not NPL! It's the simple truth. Every choice, every decision that we make means we get one alternative and pass on another. Well, if you want a better life, get the alternatives that will get you there. Assume the riscs. Don't choose the comfortably now, you'll have to pay for it someday. Make the uncomfortable comfortable. I don't like to exercise, i don't like to give up all my junk food. But i have to, if i want the better side of life.

I'm not judging anyone, i'm just promoting the responsability of choice that everybody forgets. If i choose to rely on comfort food, to stay in bed instead of exercising, to contemplate the ceiling instead of learning, then i have no right to complain about my weight gain, my crazy insulin rates, my poor grades and lack of proffessional future. You are what you make out of yourself, after a certain point in life. I'm 21. I can't keep waiting for Them to take care of me, to pay my tests, my food, support my education. If i want all of that, i have to work, learn, earn everything on my own, reconquer the world by myself.

And this works on the finer aspects of life, too. If i want the perfect boyfriend, i have to be the perfect girlfriend first. If i'm going to brag about how great my life's gonna be, then maybe i should make a plan to back me up and stick with it. I am strong, i am the definition of strength. I never believed in word mantras, but this one, i need it. We all need it. It's time to reclaim our strength back from the society that tought us to lean back and wait for all the rewards of capitalism. Well, i've waited, that doesn't work. So i'm gonna go with the "acting" for a while.

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