Thursday, March 29, 2012

First report

Well, i'm gonna get my first grade in a short while. Ofcourse, i actually already got a first A1c that i know will blow my mind in time (that pesky 14.7 that came with my diagnosis), but i decided it doesn't count :)

I realised i'm scared of this because i postponed my quarterly meeting with the endocrinologist. I got cold feet. I was curious, anxious to find out how good my control was for these first months, but when the time came i graciously rationalised that i must wait for another week, it's no rush, the doctor will be there next week too blah blah blah. Ugh. I'm so new to this but i already developped old bad habits.

Ofcourse, the fact that i've lived in a cocoon of unconciousness won't help with my A1c. Like, i was under the impression that my bg is just planking all day long. If i'm 87 and cover the carbs i'm eating with insulin, it just won't go over that number. It won't change. That's what the doctor said: if you take the appropriate amount of insulin you'll have bs like a normal person. Well, let me just tell you that when i first took a 1h-after-meal test and it showed 199, i was ready to go to the hospital to admit myself for DKA prevention.

Ahaha, ahahahaha, ahahahahahahaha.

I've seen quite some over-200 numbers since then and handled them more graciously, until i got the hang of it. I'm slowly (and i really couldn't stress more on the word slowly) learning about this condition but i do feel like a badass when i get it right. Too bad i can't brag about it, because it would mean a lot of explanation.

I wanted to start this blog as a way of analizing my feelings with this diagnosis, but i can't write about emotion-related things cause things would get too emotional. I am in such a dark place that i would even feel responsible for the innocent souls that my black words would touch.

I wonder if this...depressive state is common at diagnosis and if so, does it get better? I don't see a time when i'll feel better. I know i need to talk about this with someone, someone that understands, but there isn't anybody that i could force this informations upon. I don't want to burden my friends. There are the ones that just wouldn't understand and think that i'm a whiner, and there are the ones that would hurt so much for my pain but still wouldn't be able to help me in any way. So, i prefer to tourment only myself. And this blog.

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