Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Measures of life

I begin my day measuring myself.

First, the blood sugar.

Then, the pounds.

After that, i measure everything that gets on my plate on a scale, to see how many carbs will make my breakfast.

The next logical step is to transform those carbs through a ratio in insulin units.

I wish it'd be enough. But that's just the beginning of the day. Just the beginning of a long trip because starting with the hour of my breakfast, i start measuring minutes. 60 minutes for the first postprandial number of the day. 180 minutes for a snack. Gotta pass at least 2 hours until i eat again. And so on and so forth.

My everyday is made out of numbers and sometimes that's all i see in the back of my eyes. I check the carbs on every wrap just for fun. Like, if a friend eats a bar i just check to see the carbs in it, just out of curiosity or maybe just for the database that i'm starting in my head.

I know i'm gonna get tired one of these days. But what scares me is the evaluation that comes with these measurings.

I test myself a lot of times every day. Not just for the bs, but everything is a test. And i'm currently feeling guilty for everything, the pounds that my scale is showing, the amount of carbs i eat, the numbers that don't always cooperate. It's the guilt that i'm tired of, and i just wonder why exactly do i feel like that? Nobody's judging me yet. I'm being so harsh on myself, i learned this behavior so quickly that it's frightening. I've read a lot of posts from the DOC, i know how the guilt is intertwined with diabetes. But i'm only three months fresh in this.

Why did i learn it so fast?

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